British sense of humour...

These should be in jokes but I can't see that I can post them.

I got sent these by a work colleague. Enjoy

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.


Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some b* stard's sent me a magnifying glass!

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said: "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said: "You're obviously not listening".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It’s me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

It's also the only food in the world that ruins a woman's sex drive.